January 24, 2012

The steady drizzle is outside but sometimes I feel like it's in my head. Just thought after thought, dripping down and splashing around. I don't believe I've ever been unfairly criticized or belittled by friends or family but I've managed to do a lot of that to myself over the last few years. I detest that I feel guilty constantly. I don't put enough effort into lesson planning, I don't focus my energies properly on housework, I don't discipline consistently enough, I don't involve myself in enough; the list goes on and on.

I want to be happy with less but do more.

January 13, 2012

 I don't know what my bedtime was as a child. Maybe I had one and I complained about it. Maybe I didn't mind going to bed. I don't remember anything about bedtime other than running and jumping into bed so nothing could grab my ankles and periodically waking up with horrific 'growing pains' in my legs.

I do think that my children will remember bedtimes. Because every couple of weeks, one or both of them completely wigs out and is awake more than they're asleep and this means I am also awake more than I'm asleep. Lily is usually the one that is just AWAKE. She's not typically cranky about it for long, she just can't get back to sleep easily. Izzy will wake up and be just PISSED for ages. Mad she can't sleep, mad that I'm telling her she needs to, mad that her toys are not all in her bed... you name it, she's been mad about it at 3am.

I'm hopeful that last night was a fluke bc we were out a little later than normal and she had chocolate milk before sleeping... but if she's crazy tonight, one of us will be unhappy.

Definitely glad that Ben seems to have outgrown his night terrors. Up until a few months ago, he would periodically wake up about an hour after going to bed and be completely freaked out. Never a real reason behind it, just awake and upset. And then he'd go back to bed and be fine the rest of the night. I do wonder if medication changes made some of the difference... probably never going to know for sure.

January 6, 2012

I thought I would be more patient and understanding. As it happens, I am NOT. Today is one of those days that starts off pretty well but rapidly disintegrates into a pathetic mess. Between one child not caring how much trouble she gets into and another child finding new and intriguing reasons to wail, I have a splitting headache and no patience left.

This is not how I want to parent, spend my day, or transition into Shabbat and I find myself doing all three with no grace, no kindness in my heart, and a strong desire to just put everyone to bed and start over tomorrow.

It's only 6:28pm. Argh.

January 4, 2012

With every change from one year to the next, I experience a little bit of disappointment. I think as a child, I imagined that there would be a tangible difference when the date changed from December 31st to January 1st. Like when your birthday rolls around... you think you'll feel older, more mature, special in some way. And then you wake up and the day feels like all the ones before it. Your hair isn't magically restyled, your clothes look the same, and that smell of stale dog-breath still hasn't left the room.

I used to make 'uber-lists' as the year changed and each new year, I would read over the previous list and be disappointed with myself for not having put more effort into life. Now maybe my lists were too long or too specific or I was just setting goals for myself that didn't make sense but I eventually failed at even writing the lists. I think last year, I said something about "we need to repaint in here sometime" and that was as close as I came to setting a goal. I DID actually repaint our bedroom/bathroom but I never got around to the girls' room/bathroom or the downstairs walls. I haven't decluttered my house or my life and I know that's been on my list at least a few times. 

It may be time for a new attempt at an uber-list. I will not make one as long as I used to. 100+ things to accomplish in a year? Madness. 10 seems too trite so I am going to work on 13. 6 fun ones and 7 serious ones. 

Serious like the days of the week:

1. Actually DONATE the bagged items I've got stashed away. They aren't doing anyone any good as long as they're still sitting in the laundry room.

2. Organize closets. This one shouldn't really be that hard because I actually DO like making a mess and then cleaning it back up. 

3. More sewing. I have patterns for dresses for the girls and even enough material to make a few and I just haven't done it yet. 

4. Run at least one race. I'm already signed up for one so this is highly do-able. 

5. Paint a room in the house. Seriously. Really need to do this. haha

6. Study scripture more. I feel like this is attainable. After all, the Torah has already been divided up into nifty portions for each week and all I have to do is READ them. 

7. Cut back on spending. This one is HARD because I generally try to spend money on things I actually have need of and yet I feel like I'm often spending simply because it's there. 

Fun, like Funday.

1. Get a wok.

2. Write more letters to people. 

3. More date-nights!

4. Re-watch all of Gilmore Girls.

5. Attend another home-school book-fair. This was a lot of fun last year and I feel like it could definitely help to keep things fresh and interesting. 

6. Clean out old makeup/hair products so I can FIND things again. Yes. This is a fun one.