Up to date

The first three months are over. Hopefully the next three will be the super-energetic ones because I have alot of unpacking to do still. It's becoming way too easy to just let it sit there. If it were all unnecessary items, I guess I wouldn't care. I might just take the boxes to goodwill or something. But I know some of my clothes are still packed away and there are lots of things I know I want out and around the house that are stashed. Gotta get around to it.

Getting to work is the same pain in the ass it was from Mesquite. I need to find a faster route but I'm not sure one exists. Going home takes less time, though, so at least there's that.

I don't like when people ask if I'm tired because of the baby. Maybe it's the way it's said? I dunno. Someone asks how I am, I say I'm tired or cranky and they say 'oh.. is it because of the baby?' or 'Is the baby keeping you up?' No, shit-eyes. It's not the baby. The baby is 3 inches long. It's my own body that's tired and cranky and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal life.

Alot of things have been on my mind lately.

I can't wait for you to get here and be more tangible. I'm starting to worry a little bit about the normal stuff, I guess. Whether I'll have the energy, whether I'll always know why you cry or what you need, whether everyone will still want to come around and spend time with me or if I'll even want people to come around. I don't know what to teach you when you're old enough to learn ideas or beliefs.

More than ever, I don't understand why anyone would willfully abort their baby. I understand that women often feel they need to make the choice to have a baby or not. To raise or not to raise. I understand that. But I feel more strongly than ever that too many times, the decision is based not in the best interests of those involved but on whether or not it's convenient. Based on whether or not one wants to take on the challenge, not really on if one CAN. I don't think life/fate/the universe asks anything we are unable to give, we simply too often don't find the means to give it. No man is an island. I do think that each person's success depends at least in part on the willingness of those around them to provide support. For those who lose their sanity or lose their physical health, their own strength may not be enough and it falls to family and friends and even strangers to answer the call and step up. One's failure can rarely be pinned on the single person who failed. For those that have had abortions, I really do feel nothing but compassion. I don't want to imagine what they must have felt and thought and been through that would push them to make a decision like this. I hate that this is still a decision so many are faced with. If utopia existed, one would never have to decide whether or not to give birth to a child. One would only be pregnant because they wished it so. Life would be seen as more precious and every moment would be treasured. So many people don't even value their own lives properly.

From the moment I realized I was pregnant, the tiny being inside me was precious. I believe he or she had a destiny the moment conception occured and there's no way anyone should stand in the way of that fate. Each aborted child may be reborn. I don't know. I do believe in reincarnation. But if each child that is conceived is conceived because a soul was ready to be reborn, then how can abortion be part of the path? How can purposefully terminating that life be correct? It may be that the soul's path will continue unimpeded or maybe that is something that simply prepares the soul for the next rebirth. Next time, the path may be destined to be difficult and having been abruptly sent from this world will have prepared that soul to fight a little harder, love a little more, live a little fuller. But aside from that, what does it do to the soul of the woman who discards the child? Maybe one who has committed certain acts in one life is fated to learn from them and choose more wisely in the next one. Why not think about it in this way and skip that lesson? If you COULD push someone off a cliff, knowing that you would feel regret and pain the rest of this life, why not choose NOT to push them, bypassing the pain and regret but still learning to show the necessary compassion?

I don't think every step of life is preordained. Every possible lesson will be taught, but you have to make yourself available to learn. Maybe my lesson right now is to be compassionate even to those I disagree with. It's not necessary for everyone I love to agree with me or even do what may be universally correct. Seeing the heartache people bring on themselves has taught me not to draw the pain to myself and that could be the big lesson. I don't know. It seems pointless right now but I refuse to accept that it is.