Goodbye, February!

I wanted to just write about my pregnancy right now but I can't help hearing the mad ukrainian here yell at someone on speaker-phone. He's not yelling because he's mad, he just likes to yell. Current recipient of the yelling is a guy who JUST told him that he's not working today. Still, the ukrainian yells... "you got a piece of paper? something you can scratch on? you need to write this down 'cause otherwise i know you gonna forget by tomorrow." Irritating to listen to all this.

30 minutes ago, this person was leaning over my shoulder telling me what to copy and paste because he didn't have time. It's done now and I don't think he's done anything in the meantime. Oh well. It was something to do.

Ok. On to the pregnancy stuff.

4.5 months done, same to go. Lots more baby-squirmings lately. People are starting to say 'wow, you really ARE showing!' heh. They all thought I wouldn't because I was so small without a baby in there. Sillies. Baby is making her/his presence known whether I like it or not. Not keeping me up at night, at least. When I do wake up, I don't typically feel anything unless I get up and use the bathroom and then toss and turn for a while. My movement wakes the baby up rather than vice versa. I read somewhere that he/she is already on a 'newborn schedule'... if that's so, then this baby is gonna be up when I am and ready to sleep when I am. That would be amazing.

Ideas for the nursery are slow in coming. I think I want to use Cicely Barker artwork primarily: Something classic and pretty. I don't want to go all out with cutesie stuff and then feel like I need to change it in two or three years. Three framed prints on a wall with gauze or cambric ribbon swooped over them... Something like that. And I wouldn't feel silly doing that in our room while the baby's in there with us. I figure the first 6 months or so he/she will sleep in our room. I might change my mind at some point, of course. But I think it'd make sense to do it that way.

Having a baby is surreal and so natural at the same time. Natural for some pretty obvious reasons, I suppose. It's what the female body is made for. But on a personal level, it just feels like what I am meant for. It's been an enjoyable pregnancy so far. Discomforts are certainly there but the feelings of contentment greatly overwhelm them.

I know the boy has worried in the past that having a baby will mean that he won't get as much attention. I hope that's not something that happens. I don't think it will. Maybe that's why I want a girl so much. I know he'll just fall in love with a daughter and as long as we're both enjoying the baby equally, it shouldn't be hard to make adequate time for each other. A baby, in and of itself, is not my goal. A baby with HIM is.

18 weeks!

End of this week will be 19 weeks. And then on the 6th, I have an ultrasound which will hopefully tell us if we're having a boy or a girl. Don't be shy, Peanut!

I hope I don't end up with alot of stretch marks. Or if I do, I hope they go away quickly. That's one thing I've never looked forward to. I don't know anyone that really would, though. heh. Maybe Baby will be nice and compact and not make me get all stretched out. So far so good! Some people say they can't tell I'm pregnant. I think that's because they assume I already had this belly. Meanies.

Blah. Nothing going on. I need to plant the canna rhizomes I bought the other day. Pink! They're going in the back corner of teh yard behind the maple tree/swing set. Not sure what I'll put in front just yet. Maybe some sage and then dianthus? So hard to pick between plants.... I just want a yard full of color.

Pregnancy fun...

Things I could do without:

People asking if it's a boy or a girl. If I knew, I would fricking tell you, wouldn't I? Gender is not something that will go away. I don't have to wait for it to 'take' to let you know. Lay off me.

People asking if I've been sick. Are there that few normal questions one can ask a pregnant woman? How about "wanna hang out?" That's a good one.

"Have you gained any weight?" SERIOUSLY. If you know me, you'll see that I've gained weight. If you don't know me, you shouldn't be asking.

Itchy skin. I know it's from the warm baths and the winter and shaving... but it SUCKS. I want to fill a bathtub with shea and cocoa butter and just soak in it for a while. :)

Things I love about pregnancy:

Little squirmies inside. It's only gone on for a week and it's sporadic but it's OHMYGODSOFREAKINGCOOL.

Boobage. And I hear that the best is yet to come. Hooray breast milk!

Not being jealous every time I see a pregnant woman. And I see aLOT of pregnant women these days.

Backrubs and booty rubs and boob rubs... pretty much all the rubbing. My boy is awesome at it. :)

*******************************************

At 124 pounds, I am officially 7 pounds more than I have EVER weighed. And 117 only lasted about a week anyway. I know it's not alot and I have been told that it's closer to what I should weigh all the time than 111 was but still. I suppose I should just enjoy 124 being 'fat' for me. I'm sure I'll put on plenty more and I'll look back with fondness on my 124lb. body. Hopefully, I have a happy baby who loves being outside and I'll walk off all the baby weight quickly.

Thursday

I love Thursdays. They're almost Friday but just far enough removed that you can ease into the "last work day of the week" gently.

It's so cloudy and grey outside. I want to go back home and just watch TV all day. Between naps, of course.

Blah. Nothing has happened today. It's not horrible but it means the day might just drag out forever.

Up to date

The first three months are over. Hopefully the next three will be the super-energetic ones because I have alot of unpacking to do still. It's becoming way too easy to just let it sit there. If it were all unnecessary items, I guess I wouldn't care. I might just take the boxes to goodwill or something. But I know some of my clothes are still packed away and there are lots of things I know I want out and around the house that are stashed. Gotta get around to it.

Getting to work is the same pain in the ass it was from Mesquite. I need to find a faster route but I'm not sure one exists. Going home takes less time, though, so at least there's that.

I don't like when people ask if I'm tired because of the baby. Maybe it's the way it's said? I dunno. Someone asks how I am, I say I'm tired or cranky and they say 'oh.. is it because of the baby?' or 'Is the baby keeping you up?' No, shit-eyes. It's not the baby. The baby is 3 inches long. It's my own body that's tired and cranky and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal life.

Alot of things have been on my mind lately.

I can't wait for you to get here and be more tangible. I'm starting to worry a little bit about the normal stuff, I guess. Whether I'll have the energy, whether I'll always know why you cry or what you need, whether everyone will still want to come around and spend time with me or if I'll even want people to come around. I don't know what to teach you when you're old enough to learn ideas or beliefs.

More than ever, I don't understand why anyone would willfully abort their baby. I understand that women often feel they need to make the choice to have a baby or not. To raise or not to raise. I understand that. But I feel more strongly than ever that too many times, the decision is based not in the best interests of those involved but on whether or not it's convenient. Based on whether or not one wants to take on the challenge, not really on if one CAN. I don't think life/fate/the universe asks anything we are unable to give, we simply too often don't find the means to give it. No man is an island. I do think that each person's success depends at least in part on the willingness of those around them to provide support. For those who lose their sanity or lose their physical health, their own strength may not be enough and it falls to family and friends and even strangers to answer the call and step up. One's failure can rarely be pinned on the single person who failed. For those that have had abortions, I really do feel nothing but compassion. I don't want to imagine what they must have felt and thought and been through that would push them to make a decision like this. I hate that this is still a decision so many are faced with. If utopia existed, one would never have to decide whether or not to give birth to a child. One would only be pregnant because they wished it so. Life would be seen as more precious and every moment would be treasured. So many people don't even value their own lives properly.

From the moment I realized I was pregnant, the tiny being inside me was precious. I believe he or she had a destiny the moment conception occured and there's no way anyone should stand in the way of that fate. Each aborted child may be reborn. I don't know. I do believe in reincarnation. But if each child that is conceived is conceived because a soul was ready to be reborn, then how can abortion be part of the path? How can purposefully terminating that life be correct? It may be that the soul's path will continue unimpeded or maybe that is something that simply prepares the soul for the next rebirth. Next time, the path may be destined to be difficult and having been abruptly sent from this world will have prepared that soul to fight a little harder, love a little more, live a little fuller. But aside from that, what does it do to the soul of the woman who discards the child? Maybe one who has committed certain acts in one life is fated to learn from them and choose more wisely in the next one. Why not think about it in this way and skip that lesson? If you COULD push someone off a cliff, knowing that you would feel regret and pain the rest of this life, why not choose NOT to push them, bypassing the pain and regret but still learning to show the necessary compassion?

I don't think every step of life is preordained. Every possible lesson will be taught, but you have to make yourself available to learn. Maybe my lesson right now is to be compassionate even to those I disagree with. It's not necessary for everyone I love to agree with me or even do what may be universally correct. Seeing the heartache people bring on themselves has taught me not to draw the pain to myself and that could be the big lesson. I don't know. It seems pointless right now but I refuse to accept that it is.

Uber-List 2007

Über-List 2007
Birthday- Stop having them.
Birthday- Throw the boy a party.
Books- Finish reading Meditations
Books- Try some of the books on my wishlist: Kerouac, Ovid, etc.
Books- Read books I've bought and stuck on the shelf
Cooking- use more real recipes
Cooking- plan out weekly menus
Cooking- master a new dish to make from memory
Creativity- Plan out and finish quilling projects: sell online or use in Dad's lamp ideas
Creativity- Knit more than scarves and blankets.
Creativity- Organize a craft area in the house: second desk in office?
Creativity- Sew placemats/napkins for mom
Creativity- Make new curtains for office/bedroom
Creativity- Find/fill all picture frames.
Creativity- Make new curtains for kitchen - retro print
Education- Find photography classes
Education- Find yoga classes
Education- Visit the museum more.
Education- Use "French for Dummies"
Exercise- Pilates or yoga routine at least three times a week
Exercise- Get bike from the parents' house and bike with the boy
Family- Have pictures taken and framed
Family- Start scrapbooks
Family- New patio furniture for the parents (IKEA)
Family- Have a baby!
Friends- Make more time for friends: Girls Night, etc
Friends- Road-trip with Nicole and Jill
Friends- Dinner party - wine and everything.
Friends- Go camping!
Friends- Visit Justin or see if he can come down here
Good of Society- Donate to SPCA
Good of Society- Volunteer somewhere: entrap friends if you have to
Good of Society- Donate unused books to local library
Good of Society- Crochet/knit and donate baby caps
Good of Society- Donate clothing to Goodwill.
Health- Find a balanced diet that works for both of us
Health- Whiten teeth
Health- Workout with the boy: good for morale, good for me
Health- Stay on top of teeth!
Holidays- Host 4th of July?
Holidays- Send xmas cards first of December
Holidays- Halloween party - new/better theme ideas
Holidays- Put tree up day after Thanksgiving
Home- Replace doors in laundry room.
Home- Hang picture frames in living room/office.
Home- Baskets for under futon: storage
Home- New bookcase for living room
Home- Organize movies/games better - new bookcase from IKEA?
Home- Settle into new house.
Home- Curtains/swags for the formal living room/dining room.
Love- Spend more time just talking.
Love- Make more dates
Love- Find a dance class we can take
Movies- Watch Goonies
Movies- Watch A Christmas Story
Movies- Watch Chicago
Movies- Watch at least one foreign film
Organize- Backups! Pictures/music/documents
Organize- Sort pictures into categories
Organize- Dressers/closet
Pare Down- No more sentimental-hanging on - ditch old toys/notes/pictures
Pare Down- If you haven't used it in 6 months, it's time to find a new home for it.
Pare Down- Throw away old mail/magazines/etc.
Pare Down- Throw out old shoes BEFORE buying any new ones
Pets- Tag animals: collar for Nermal, ChiChi
Pets- Clip Nermal's claws once a week
Pets- Make a pillow for ChiChi so she's not on the lovesac all the time
Vacation- Mexico?
Vacation- Canada - see hockey game while there?
Vacation- Colorado?
Vacation- Vegas?
Work- Cut back hours to suit tending to Baby.
Yard- Plant Daffodils
Yard- Plant rose bush (blue?) outside dining room window.
Yard- Take out euonymous in front and replace with seasonal color pots/urns.
Yard- Find a bigger pot for the wisteria
As you may notice, this is largely the same list as last time. I took out the accomplished items and added some new ones unique to this year. Sure-things, one might say.

Too much thinking to do.

I've been contorting my brain over this and I still don't know if this is a good idea.


I WANT to announce that I'm pregnant to the entire world and at the same time, I don't want anyone to know that isn't ridiculously close to me. It's like getting your first kiss. You want everyone to know what a great day it is but it's such a special thing, you don't want it to become common and unspecial knowledge.

So I'll tell you anyway because odds are, only the ridiculously close people are reading this.

In another... 8 months, there will be a new screaming baby in the world and she'll be all mine. Mine and the boy's. And she'll be cuddled all the time and she'll be beautiful and sweet and beloved.