Too much thinking to do.

I've been contorting my brain over this and I still don't know if this is a good idea.


I WANT to announce that I'm pregnant to the entire world and at the same time, I don't want anyone to know that isn't ridiculously close to me. It's like getting your first kiss. You want everyone to know what a great day it is but it's such a special thing, you don't want it to become common and unspecial knowledge.

So I'll tell you anyway because odds are, only the ridiculously close people are reading this.

In another... 8 months, there will be a new screaming baby in the world and she'll be all mine. Mine and the boy's. And she'll be cuddled all the time and she'll be beautiful and sweet and beloved.

Tuesdays are for watching fish.

I read a story recently about a woman walking around in Denver who heard a baby cry and upon looking up, saw an infant dangling from the balcony above her. She moved into position and caught the tiny girl when she fell. She said she felt it was fate that put her under that balcony at the right moment.

When you think about it, everything in your life is leading up to something. Maybe one great event that you'll be part of or even initiate. Maybe many small events you might not even notice in the moment. But everything in your life is always leading up to the next thing.

Are you aware of what you do? Are you mindful of your role in the lives of those around you?

Most of us aren't. I believe in fate and I try to be aware of what my role in life is but I know I miss 80% of the things I'm part of. You don't know till after the fact and sometimes you simply never know. Not everyone gets to catch a baby or pull someone out of the street or witness a crime and help catch the bad guy. It's not always surrounded by the big neon "THIS IS YOUR DESTINY" sign.

It's been 5 and a half weeks since I lost my Puck. When I think about her (and I do so very frequently), the only thing that keeps me from crying is reminding myself that I was her human and she was my dog and it was for a reason. If I hadn't worked at the hardware store and I hadn't tried to be everyone's friend, Doug would never have kept her. He would have put her down when he first found her because she was a mess and one more mouth he couldn't really afford to feed. If I hadn't taken her, I wouldn't have taken so many walks and met the friends I did. I wouldn't have gotten around to moving out when I did and I wouldn't have moved to Dallas and been in the right place at the right time to meet the boy. So maybe it's fate or maybe it's luck. I don't know.

I don't know what right now is leading up to. Every moment is leading to the next and every day brings you closer to the person you're meant to be. Be aware, be available, be open, be ready.

Every day is stupid.

Yesterday I thought that talking about taking Puck in to be put to sleep on Saturday was premature. She seemed so happy.

Today she was happy to see me and even ate a little bit of the canned food I bought for her. After a trip outside, though, she's been slow and quiet. Preferring to lay in front of the TV so she can still see everyone as they come in, she's not getting up to greet. She tried when Anthony got home and she made it into the living room and that's where she's been since. When Joseph got home, she wagged her tail but didn't even lift her head.

I think it's starting. Tomorrow morning, if she's not feeling any better, I'll take her to the vet and let her start her rest.

This just kills me.

Much of this month sucked.

I will miss this face.

I hate that you're sick, baby. I never wanted to watch you feel badly. You've always been my heart and I love you terribly. I hope you'll let me know when it's time to let you go.

You know what you do when you're really full?

You keep eating. It dulls the pain of the splodey innards.


Someone in our office smells like a girl. I smell like vanilla, Nicole smells like some sort of conditioner and Sarada is mysteriously without any odor at all. That leaves the guys.

It's the new guy. The answers we got from the rest when we asked them if they were wearing perfume are as follows:

No! My wife would never let me out of the house like that.
What? (turns and walks away)
Yes. It's by Mary Kay and it's for men.
Why?


Why? Who answers "are you wearing perfume?" with WHY?


Lou does. Because that's how he rolls.

I really do like green...

But not as much as you might think. I like my green shirts. And my green blog. But not my green car. Not REALLY really. I mean, Oscar is nice and all but he needs a bath and some glue and some seat and steering wheel covers. I fry my hands every day after work, just getting out of the parking lot. It's ridiculous.

Rodeo Clowns

Only an hour and a half till I leave the office and I'm hoping it passes quickly. I love my job, but the up-down pace of it all is a bit tiring.

I took the kiddo to Tab's yesterday. I miss talking to her but I don't know how to talk to her anymore. We don't have much in common other than plants and the kids. I think we stayed there for about 20 minutes before heading on to Wal-Mart to wander around for a while.

I'm not completely sure what to do with my new-found freedom. I like being able to take myself and the kiddo places but what to do? Today, we'll go to the mall or something since the boy won't be home early. Mebbe we can spend some time at the pet store or something.

Driving is becoming a bit of a curse, I think. The ease of accomplishing things is wonderful still but the responsibility sucks. Oscar has this thing about pulling in random directions on different areas of the highway. That makes me incredibly nervous. I'm sure it will get easier with time but I'm not convinced I'll overcome the highway-dread. If I could find an alternate route that didn't typically take 15 minutes more to traverse, I'd use it every day.

Work relations are getting better. Tony's been gone for... a week? Two weeks? Who cares. It's nice not having to worry about deflecting every word that comes out of his mouth. Granted, it's a lot quieter now but I'm gradually getting used to that, as much as it drives me crazy. So I'm getting used to being crazy. Great.

Found out yesterday that my nickname between Tony and Sean was "nice ass." I'm sure Sean is telling the truth that Tony started it and he just used the term because he was too lazy to learn my name at first. But still. It's borderline. As a girl, it's easy to become annoyed by things like that but it's just as easy to brush it off because it IS a compliment of sorts. We like to hear that boys find us attractive, we just don't want to hear the descriptive terms.

I'm betting that no one reads this anymore but I needed to update all the same. If I can remember to put FrontPage on this PC, I'll redesign the blog and maybe renew my interest in the upkeep of it. We shall see.